The Biggest Bad You-Know-Whats

Ben: "Mom, do you know who's the baddest? The Army, FBI, or cops."

Me: "None of them are bad. Those are all good guys."

Ben: "No! I mean bad like tough and cool."

Me: "You mean the bad you-know-whats?"

Ben: "Yeah, but I'm not allowed to say the bad word for butt."

Me: "OK Ben. Who is the best?"

Ben: "The FBI."

Me: "Why the FBI?"

Ben: "Because they have the coolest equipment. They have cars, trucks and planes like the other guys. But only the FBI has SPACESHIPS!"

Me: "The FBI has spaceships?"

Ben: "Yeah. You should already know this stuff Mom, but it's OK. I'll teach you."

What's For Breakfast?

There are many times I forget Ryan is only three. He is extremely smart and his logic is almost always spot on. True to form, his first few answers made perfect sense and then.... he's three again.

Me: "Ryan, what do you want for breakfast?"
Ryan: "Don't know."
Me: "How about cereal?"
Ryan: "No."
Me: "How about toast?"
Ryan: "No. Different!"
Me: "Something different?"
Ryan: "Yeah!"
Me: "OK, how about a shoe?"
Ryan: "No, shoes for feet!"
Me: "The rug?"
Ryan: "No, we play on rug."
Me: "How about a hat?"
Ryan: "No, hats for heads."
Me: "How about we eat Ben when he gets home?"
Ryan: "No."
Me: "Why not? Because he's your brother and you love him?"
Ryan: "No. Cause he dirty. He always dirty."

So much for brotherly love.

My Girl

Summers are always crazy for us. Very little time spent indoors and a party or cookout of some sort every weekend. So it has been a looong time since I've posted. I thought I'd share Ben's latest gem.

Ben: "Today a little boy pushed Sarah and she got hurt."
Me: "What did you say?"
Ben: "I said 'Hey! I'm a lot bigger than you and I know karate. So you better stay away from my girlfriend!"
Me: "What did the little boy do?"
Ben: "He ran away of course. I'm pretty tough, you know."

My Life is One Big Penis Joke

Well, it has been a while since I've shared any new anecdotes, so this post will get you all caught up on the craziness.

Ryan: "Shud up Mr. HotDog"
Me: "Who are you talking to?"
Ryan: "My penis. Mr. HotDog"

I was tucking the boys into bed and Ryan was cuddled up with his Buzz Lightyear and Woody dolls...
Ryan: "Don forget to kiss my Woody!"

Yes, I know this is wrong. Very, very wrong.

Ben: "Hey mom, did you know there are guys called man whores?"
Me: "What on earth are you talking about?"
Ben: "You know, the guys who are half man with a belly button and everything but they have horse bodies."
Me: "You mean centaurs?"
Ben: "Yeah, centaurs. But I like man whores better."

Smart Kid

Ben: "Wow, I'm such a penis!"
Me: "You're a what?"
Ben: "A penius! You know, a really smart person."
Me: "Oh. You mean a genius."
Ben: "That's what I said. God, Mom. Too bad you're not smart like me."

Things You Don't Learn in Sex Ed.

My mother-in-law was putting together a portable heater for us...
Ben: "Grammy, can I help with that? I'm good at screwing things."

Ben stood in front of me holding a small basketball in one hand and a soft soccer ball in the other...
Ben: "Hey Mom, you wanna lick my balls? You know, licking balls helps you get big and strong."

I think a chastity belt is in Ben's future.

Self Awareness and Modesty

Me: "You're a crazy guy Ben. You know that, right?"
Ben: "100 percent Mama. I make crazy look good!"

Ahoy There!

The boys and I were playing around pretending to be treasure-hunting pirates this morning. Ryan was dressed in a t-shirt, diaper and bandana on his head. When he took off his diaper Ben yelled...

"Hey Mom! Ryan's a naked butt pirate!"

When You Gotta Go, You Gotta Go

A few minutes after tucking Ben into bed, I heard the following:

Ben: "Pshhhhh... This is Captain Ben speaking. We need to land for an emergency."
pause
"Yeah, I need to land the plane."
pause
"Yup, gotta take a poop."
pause
"OK, coming in for a landing, over."

Handle With Care

Ryan: "Mommy... go potty!"
Me: "OK, let's go."
I get Ryan situated on the potty and he sits there for a minute. Nothing happens.
Ryan: "Oh no! Broken!"
Me: "What's broken?"
Ryan: "Penis! Penis broken!"
Me: "Ryan, it's not broken. Why, does it hurt? Do you have a booboo?"
Ryan: "No Mommy. Pee no coming out. It broken!"
Me: "It's OK Ryan. If you don't have to pee it's not a big deal."
Ryan makes an angry sigh and starts hitting and shaking his penis.
Me: "Ryan, don't do that. You're going to hurt yourself."
Ryan: "So? Penis stupid, broken! Hate mine penis!"
Ryan gets off the potty and storms out of the bathroom mumbling
"Stupid penis. No unnerwear, wear baby diaper. Stupid penis."