The Biggest Bad You-Know-Whats

Ben: "Mom, do you know who's the baddest? The Army, FBI, or cops."

Me: "None of them are bad. Those are all good guys."

Ben: "No! I mean bad like tough and cool."

Me: "You mean the bad you-know-whats?"

Ben: "Yeah, but I'm not allowed to say the bad word for butt."

Me: "OK Ben. Who is the best?"

Ben: "The FBI."

Me: "Why the FBI?"

Ben: "Because they have the coolest equipment. They have cars, trucks and planes like the other guys. But only the FBI has SPACESHIPS!"

Me: "The FBI has spaceships?"

Ben: "Yeah. You should already know this stuff Mom, but it's OK. I'll teach you."

My Girl

Summers are always crazy for us. Very little time spent indoors and a party or cookout of some sort every weekend. So it has been a looong time since I've posted. I thought I'd share Ben's latest gem.

Ben: "Today a little boy pushed Sarah and she got hurt."
Me: "What did you say?"
Ben: "I said 'Hey! I'm a lot bigger than you and I know karate. So you better stay away from my girlfriend!"
Me: "What did the little boy do?"
Ben: "He ran away of course. I'm pretty tough, you know."

My Life is One Big Penis Joke

Well, it has been a while since I've shared any new anecdotes, so this post will get you all caught up on the craziness.

Ryan: "Shud up Mr. HotDog"
Me: "Who are you talking to?"
Ryan: "My penis. Mr. HotDog"

I was tucking the boys into bed and Ryan was cuddled up with his Buzz Lightyear and Woody dolls...
Ryan: "Don forget to kiss my Woody!"

Yes, I know this is wrong. Very, very wrong.

Ben: "Hey mom, did you know there are guys called man whores?"
Me: "What on earth are you talking about?"
Ben: "You know, the guys who are half man with a belly button and everything but they have horse bodies."
Me: "You mean centaurs?"
Ben: "Yeah, centaurs. But I like man whores better."

Smart Kid

Ben: "Wow, I'm such a penis!"
Me: "You're a what?"
Ben: "A penius! You know, a really smart person."
Me: "Oh. You mean a genius."
Ben: "That's what I said. God, Mom. Too bad you're not smart like me."

Things You Don't Learn in Sex Ed.

My mother-in-law was putting together a portable heater for us...
Ben: "Grammy, can I help with that? I'm good at screwing things."

Ben stood in front of me holding a small basketball in one hand and a soft soccer ball in the other...
Ben: "Hey Mom, you wanna lick my balls? You know, licking balls helps you get big and strong."

I think a chastity belt is in Ben's future.

Self Awareness and Modesty

Me: "You're a crazy guy Ben. You know that, right?"
Ben: "100 percent Mama. I make crazy look good!"

Siblings

Ben: "I want a sister."
Me: "Well, we can't choose what we have. What would you say if you got another brother?"
Ben: "Try again."

The Necessity of Insurance According to Ben

Ben: "Mom, I've been peeing my brains out today. There has to be something wrong with my penis."
Me: "Ben, your penis is fine. When you drink a lot, you pee a lot."
Ben: "I don't know Mom. I hope I have penis insurance."
Me: "What's penis insurance?"
Ben: "You know, so when my penis is broken we can go get it fixed."

Ben: "It's OK if we have a fire in our house. You know why?"
Me: "No, why?"
Ben: "Because State Farm will be there, like a good neighbor."
I think we'll be cutting back on Ben's TV watching. The kid is a commercial juke box.

So Much Craziness

It's been a while since I've posted anything new. Not that I've lacked the material (the boys are always saying crazy things) but sometimes life just gets in the way. So now that my house is relatively clean and laundry and dishes are all caught up, here's what you missed in the last few weeks...

1. The boys took a shower with Jon and when everyone was clean I squeezed into our tiny bathroom to dry off and dress the kids. I had to reach past my naked husband and Ben (also naked) to get Ryan out of the shower. As I reached between them Ben said....

"Hey Mommy, you're going through a penis tunnel! And they just keep getting smaller as you go."

2. For this one you need a little background... Next to Ben's pre-school there is an ambulance company so there are always paramedics outside in the nice weather playing basketball or just killing time while waiting for calls. When the kids are out in the yard, the paramedics are always great about retrieving any balls that go over the fence. So this is Ben's opinion of paramedics...

Ben: "Mom, paramedics are good guys. You know why?"
Me: "Why Ben?"
Ben: "Because they always help when little kids lose their balls."

3. Ben: "Man, my pants are all wet now from my pee. Thanks a lot penis! You suck."

Ahoy There!

The boys and I were playing around pretending to be treasure-hunting pirates this morning. Ryan was dressed in a t-shirt, diaper and bandana on his head. When he took off his diaper Ben yelled...

"Hey Mom! Ryan's a naked butt pirate!"

Mac and Cheese Please

The boys and I had Toy Story macaroni and cheese for dinner the other night and this is what Ben had to say about it...

Ben: "Mom, I love this mac and cheese. You know why?"
Me: "Why Ben?"
Ben: "Because it has lots of Woodys in it. They're the best part."
Me: "What about the Buzz Lightyears?"
Ben: "They're OK. But Woodys are delicious!"

When You Gotta Go, You Gotta Go

A few minutes after tucking Ben into bed, I heard the following:

Ben: "Pshhhhh... This is Captain Ben speaking. We need to land for an emergency."
pause
"Yeah, I need to land the plane."
pause
"Yup, gotta take a poop."
pause
"OK, coming in for a landing, over."

You're Gonna Poke Your Eye Out

This is what Ben had to say about Ryan running around without a diaper on:
Ben: "Ryan, you need to put that thing away before you poke someone's eye out!"

Stick It

Ben: "Mom, sometimes I have naked dreams."
Me: "What do you mean, naked dreams?"
Ben: "You know, where everyone is naked and playing."
Me: "OK... what do people do in those dreams?"
Ben: "They just play and share their bodies."
Me: "They share their bodies? What do you mean?"
Ben: "Oh, you know. It's called sticking."

Sleep Is Good

Ben: "Mom, you know how when you pick your nose a lot you run out of boogers?"
Me: "You shouldn't pick your nose at all."
Ben: "Well, all you have to do is go to sleep and your nose makes more. That's the most best part about sleeping. You get all new boogers when you wake up."

Rude Couch

Ben: "Mom, can I make a pillow fort on the couch?"
Me: "Sure Ben. Go ahead."
Ryan: "Mommy, pillow fart on couch? Ewww! It say excuse me."

Mom's Night Out

Ben: "Mom, maybe you should go out tonight. I think you need a break."
Me: "What makes you say that?"
Ben: "Because you are sooo cranky. Duh! Don't worry, I'll take care of Daddy and Ryan. You go have fun."

Crafty Kids

Ben: "Mom, can I paint?"
Me: "Sure. You like arts and crafts don't you?"
Ben: "Yeah, they're my favorite!"
Ryan: "Yay! Arse and craps!!!"

Boomerang Juice

Me: "Benjamin, stop lying. Your brother did not spit juice at the back of his own head. That's impossible."
Ben: "No it not. It was boomerang juice. He spit and it go all the way around to his hair and back to his face."

My Son The Hooker

Ben was trying to pick things up with a plastic hook and was struggling to lift a toy. This is the conversation that followed:

Me: "Ben, I'm not sure you are going to be able to pick that up."
Ben: "Mom, I'm a hooker. I can pick up anything."