Playing Catch-Up

So I'm playing catch-up again. Here are some of the boys' most latest gems....

Creatures of the lake...
 
Ryan: "There's a lot of little fishes in here!"
Me: "Pretty neat, huh?"
Ryan: "No! They going to make me kid stew!"
Me: "They don't eat people. They eat bugs and worms."
Ryan: "Then I better hide my penis."
Me: "Why do you need to hide your penis?"
Ryan: "Because it looks like a little worm and these fishes look hungry"

What goes up...
Ben: "Mom, does it hurt when your boobs go up and down when you run?"
Me: "I wouldn't know."
Ben: "Why? Because yours are so small?"

The boys' rendition of Jingle Bells...
Ryan: "Jingle fart, jingle fart. Batman smells someone's butt."
And Ben had the instrumental covered with armpit farts of course

Sweet dreams...
Ben talking in his sleep: "Mom, what do you do with these things?"
Me: "What things?"
Ben: "My eyelid things. Do I get rid of them or do I have to keep them?"

Wise beyond his years...
Ben: "Mom, can I write a letter to Santa? I want to tell him that there are kids out there who don't have any toys and I'm happy with what I have. He doesn't have to bring me toys. He should just give them to the other kids who don't have any."

Take me out to the ballgame...
Me: "OK guys, who can think of a word that rhymes with tool?"
Ben: "Pool!"
Me: "Ryan's turn."
Ryan: "I don't know."
Me: "I'll give you a hint. Red Sox rule and Yankees.....?"
Ryan: "Suck!"

Rulers of the porcelain throne....
Reading to the boys: "This is the story of a Princess named Pea"
Boys: "Bahahaha!!!!"
Ryan: "Like pee from my penis! Haha!"
Ben: "Does that mean they have a Prince Poop too?! Hahahaha!!!"

That was just reading the book description... we didn't make it past the first page

Best buddies...
The boys when they didn't know I was listening...
Ben:"Ryan, you can play with me if you want."
Ryan: "Oh thank you Ben! You're the best brother ever! I love you so much!"
Ben: "I love you too Ryan. I'm glad you're my brother. You're my best friend in the whole world."     

Bobbing For Apples

Ben was so excited to give his girlfriend the apple he picked just for her. He ran into the bathroom with the apple and a plastic bag to put it in so it would stay clean and safe. Then he got excited and started talking with his hands and dropped the apple, right into the toilet...

Ben: "This is the crappiest day of my life!"

The Tree

Jon (hubby): "I think you look better now than when we first started dating."

Me: "Um, thanks."

Jon: "I think it has to do with lack of bangs."

He meant my hair, but yeah. That's Jon. And this is where the kids get it from. The apples clearly didn't fall very far from the tree.

The Biggest Bad You-Know-Whats

Ben: "Mom, do you know who's the baddest? The Army, FBI, or cops."

Me: "None of them are bad. Those are all good guys."

Ben: "No! I mean bad like tough and cool."

Me: "You mean the bad you-know-whats?"

Ben: "Yeah, but I'm not allowed to say the bad word for butt."

Me: "OK Ben. Who is the best?"

Ben: "The FBI."

Me: "Why the FBI?"

Ben: "Because they have the coolest equipment. They have cars, trucks and planes like the other guys. But only the FBI has SPACESHIPS!"

Me: "The FBI has spaceships?"

Ben: "Yeah. You should already know this stuff Mom, but it's OK. I'll teach you."

What's For Breakfast?

There are many times I forget Ryan is only three. He is extremely smart and his logic is almost always spot on. True to form, his first few answers made perfect sense and then.... he's three again.

Me: "Ryan, what do you want for breakfast?"
Ryan: "Don't know."
Me: "How about cereal?"
Ryan: "No."
Me: "How about toast?"
Ryan: "No. Different!"
Me: "Something different?"
Ryan: "Yeah!"
Me: "OK, how about a shoe?"
Ryan: "No, shoes for feet!"
Me: "The rug?"
Ryan: "No, we play on rug."
Me: "How about a hat?"
Ryan: "No, hats for heads."
Me: "How about we eat Ben when he gets home?"
Ryan: "No."
Me: "Why not? Because he's your brother and you love him?"
Ryan: "No. Cause he dirty. He always dirty."

So much for brotherly love.

Stupid Monkey

We were watching Ni Hao Kai Lan and the characters were performing a play about a monkey and rabbit. The monkey king had to save a baby rabbit stuck up in a tree. The characters were worried and couldn't figure out how to save the rabbit. So Ben yells....

"You're a monkey! It's a tree. Just climb the damn thing! Duh!"

My Girl

Summers are always crazy for us. Very little time spent indoors and a party or cookout of some sort every weekend. So it has been a looong time since I've posted. I thought I'd share Ben's latest gem.

Ben: "Today a little boy pushed Sarah and she got hurt."
Me: "What did you say?"
Ben: "I said 'Hey! I'm a lot bigger than you and I know karate. So you better stay away from my girlfriend!"
Me: "What did the little boy do?"
Ben: "He ran away of course. I'm pretty tough, you know."

Don't Forget the Lyrics!

OK, so I'm probably the only person who is going to think this is cute. I am a bit biased you know. But here is Ben and Ryan's version of Twinkle Twinkle Little Star.

My Life is One Big Penis Joke

Well, it has been a while since I've shared any new anecdotes, so this post will get you all caught up on the craziness.

Ryan: "Shud up Mr. HotDog"
Me: "Who are you talking to?"
Ryan: "My penis. Mr. HotDog"

I was tucking the boys into bed and Ryan was cuddled up with his Buzz Lightyear and Woody dolls...
Ryan: "Don forget to kiss my Woody!"

Yes, I know this is wrong. Very, very wrong.

Ben: "Hey mom, did you know there are guys called man whores?"
Me: "What on earth are you talking about?"
Ben: "You know, the guys who are half man with a belly button and everything but they have horse bodies."
Me: "You mean centaurs?"
Ben: "Yeah, centaurs. But I like man whores better."

Smart Kid

Ben: "Wow, I'm such a penis!"
Me: "You're a what?"
Ben: "A penius! You know, a really smart person."
Me: "Oh. You mean a genius."
Ben: "That's what I said. God, Mom. Too bad you're not smart like me."

Things You Don't Learn in Sex Ed.

My mother-in-law was putting together a portable heater for us...
Ben: "Grammy, can I help with that? I'm good at screwing things."

Ben stood in front of me holding a small basketball in one hand and a soft soccer ball in the other...
Ben: "Hey Mom, you wanna lick my balls? You know, licking balls helps you get big and strong."

I think a chastity belt is in Ben's future.

Um, what?!

Ben: "Mom, are people with dark skin nocturnal? Because their skin is good camoflage when it's dark out."
Me: Speechless

Awesome

Ryan was sitting on the potty and nothing was happening....

Ryan: "Broken! Stupid!"
Me: "Ryan, your penis is not broken. It's fine."
Ryan: "My penis not fine. It AWESOME!"

Self Awareness and Modesty

Me: "You're a crazy guy Ben. You know that, right?"
Ben: "100 percent Mama. I make crazy look good!"

Sweetest Boy Ever

Ryan and I were cuddling on the couch and I yawned really big.
Ryan: "Mommy, you tired?"
Me: "Yeah Ryan. I'm pretty sleepy."
Ryan: "You can seep in my bed. I rub you back."

Love him!

Self Love

Ryan was sitting on the couch looking at books when he stopped, giggled and started kissing his arms all over.

Me: Ryan, why are you kissing yourself?
Ryan: I jus so cute I can' hewp mesewf.

I agree completely.

Siblings

Ben: "I want a sister."
Me: "Well, we can't choose what we have. What would you say if you got another brother?"
Ben: "Try again."

The Necessity of Insurance According to Ben

Ben: "Mom, I've been peeing my brains out today. There has to be something wrong with my penis."
Me: "Ben, your penis is fine. When you drink a lot, you pee a lot."
Ben: "I don't know Mom. I hope I have penis insurance."
Me: "What's penis insurance?"
Ben: "You know, so when my penis is broken we can go get it fixed."

Ben: "It's OK if we have a fire in our house. You know why?"
Me: "No, why?"
Ben: "Because State Farm will be there, like a good neighbor."
I think we'll be cutting back on Ben's TV watching. The kid is a commercial juke box.

So Much Craziness

It's been a while since I've posted anything new. Not that I've lacked the material (the boys are always saying crazy things) but sometimes life just gets in the way. So now that my house is relatively clean and laundry and dishes are all caught up, here's what you missed in the last few weeks...

1. The boys took a shower with Jon and when everyone was clean I squeezed into our tiny bathroom to dry off and dress the kids. I had to reach past my naked husband and Ben (also naked) to get Ryan out of the shower. As I reached between them Ben said....

"Hey Mommy, you're going through a penis tunnel! And they just keep getting smaller as you go."

2. For this one you need a little background... Next to Ben's pre-school there is an ambulance company so there are always paramedics outside in the nice weather playing basketball or just killing time while waiting for calls. When the kids are out in the yard, the paramedics are always great about retrieving any balls that go over the fence. So this is Ben's opinion of paramedics...

Ben: "Mom, paramedics are good guys. You know why?"
Me: "Why Ben?"
Ben: "Because they always help when little kids lose their balls."

3. Ben: "Man, my pants are all wet now from my pee. Thanks a lot penis! You suck."

Ahoy There!

The boys and I were playing around pretending to be treasure-hunting pirates this morning. Ryan was dressed in a t-shirt, diaper and bandana on his head. When he took off his diaper Ben yelled...

"Hey Mom! Ryan's a naked butt pirate!"