Ben's Oldies But Goodies

On the death of our hamster...
"Mommy, Bolt was my best friend in the whole world and I will stop loving him only when all the days are done."

Grammy: "Well, Bolt is up in heaven now with all the other hamsters."
Ben: "No he isn't. He's in the freezer."

On the Twilight series...
"Mom, I don't like Edward. He drives a girly car. Jacob's motorcycle is awesome 'cause Jacob is cooler than Edward."

"Why is she [Bella] afraid of James? He has a ponytail like a girl."

"Mom, why doesn't Jacob wear a shirt? Don't his boobs get cold?"

On vegetables...
Ben: "Mom, did you eat all your veggies when you were a kid?"
Me: "Yes Ben, I did."
Ben: "Then I'm not eating them ever again!"
Me: "Why not?"
Ben: "Because you said eating veggies makes you big and strong and you're not big or strong! They don't work and they taste disgusting! I am so done with veggies!"

Ben: *flexes muscles* "Hey Mom, check out my muscles."
*takes a bite of green beans* "Now check out these guns! Enormous, huh?"

On how babies are born...
Ben: "How do mommies get the babies out of their bellies?"
Me: "Sometimes a doctor takes them out."
Ben: "What other way do they come out?"
Me: "The babies come out the mommy's vagina."
Ben: *silent for a minute* "Is your vagina magic? I want one!"

On the origin of cow's milk...
Ben: "Do they have to kill the cow to get the milk?"
Me: "No Ben. They just milk the cow."
Ben: "I know how they do it! They put the machine on the penis and it pulls the milk out."
Me: "That's not a penis. That's a nipple."
Ben: *pointing to the udder* "So that's a boob?! That thing is huge! Mom, why don't you have boobs like that?"

On the female form...
Ben: "Mom, I see you underwear!"
Me: "Yeah, so why don't you go wait in the living room and I'll be right out?"
Ben: "It's ok Mom. I like girls' underwear... You know what else?"
Me: "What Ben?"
Ben: "I LOVE vaginas!"

On the male form...
"Boys have a penis and sextickles."

On little girls...
Ben: "Mom, why do girls talk so much?"
Me: "Which girls talk a lot?"
Ben: "All of them! Oh my goodness. They never shut up. Girls give me a headache."

Me: "Did you do anything fun in school today?"
Ben: "Mariah and the other Mariah showed me they boobs."
Me: "Why would they do that? You know that's inappropriate."
Ben: "Because I ask them nicely."
Me: "You don't ask people to show you their bodies. That's private."
Ben: "They didn't have to do it. They just lift they shirts. But Mommy, they no have big boobs like you."

On gargabe trucks...
Ben: "Do you know why garbage trucks smell?"
Me: "Why?"
Ben: "Because they don't use the gas you do, from the gas station. They use fart gas instead. That's why they smell like crap."

On hygeine...
"Mommy, I have to take a bath before I go to school so I don't stink. If I don't, little kids will say 'There goes Ben, the smelly loser!' And I am not a loser!"

On not sweating the small stuff...
Me: "Ben, how the heck did you get food on your butt?"
Ben: "Who cares? It's coming out that way anyway you know."

On cars...
Ben: "Mommy, do you know what to call this kind of car?"
Me: "No Ben, what?"
Ben: "It's called a HPV."
Me: "It's called what?!"
Ben: "A HPV. You know, a all terrain vehicle."
Me: "You mean an ATV?"
Ben: "Yeah Mom, a APV."

On the bare necessities...
"Daddy, I know why you go to work. So I can have clothes. Otherwise I run around naked."

On open sewer covers...
"Utoh Mommy. The ninja turtles left they door open again! Silly turtles."

On belly buttons...
Me: "Ben, do you know why people have belly buttons?"
Ben: "Yeah. It a penis hiding place!"

On denial...
"I didn't yawn. I just breathe really big because I not tired."

"Mommy, I didn't throw it. I made it be an airplane."