Smart Kid

Ben: "Wow, I'm such a penis!"
Me: "You're a what?"
Ben: "A penius! You know, a really smart person."
Me: "Oh. You mean a genius."
Ben: "That's what I said. God, Mom. Too bad you're not smart like me."

Things You Don't Learn in Sex Ed.

My mother-in-law was putting together a portable heater for us...
Ben: "Grammy, can I help with that? I'm good at screwing things."

Ben stood in front of me holding a small basketball in one hand and a soft soccer ball in the other...
Ben: "Hey Mom, you wanna lick my balls? You know, licking balls helps you get big and strong."

I think a chastity belt is in Ben's future.

Um, what?!

Ben: "Mom, are people with dark skin nocturnal? Because their skin is good camoflage when it's dark out."
Me: Speechless

Awesome

Ryan was sitting on the potty and nothing was happening....

Ryan: "Broken! Stupid!"
Me: "Ryan, your penis is not broken. It's fine."
Ryan: "My penis not fine. It AWESOME!"

Self Awareness and Modesty

Me: "You're a crazy guy Ben. You know that, right?"
Ben: "100 percent Mama. I make crazy look good!"

Sweetest Boy Ever

Ryan and I were cuddling on the couch and I yawned really big.
Ryan: "Mommy, you tired?"
Me: "Yeah Ryan. I'm pretty sleepy."
Ryan: "You can seep in my bed. I rub you back."

Love him!

Self Love

Ryan was sitting on the couch looking at books when he stopped, giggled and started kissing his arms all over.

Me: Ryan, why are you kissing yourself?
Ryan: I jus so cute I can' hewp mesewf.

I agree completely.

Siblings

Ben: "I want a sister."
Me: "Well, we can't choose what we have. What would you say if you got another brother?"
Ben: "Try again."

The Necessity of Insurance According to Ben

Ben: "Mom, I've been peeing my brains out today. There has to be something wrong with my penis."
Me: "Ben, your penis is fine. When you drink a lot, you pee a lot."
Ben: "I don't know Mom. I hope I have penis insurance."
Me: "What's penis insurance?"
Ben: "You know, so when my penis is broken we can go get it fixed."

Ben: "It's OK if we have a fire in our house. You know why?"
Me: "No, why?"
Ben: "Because State Farm will be there, like a good neighbor."
I think we'll be cutting back on Ben's TV watching. The kid is a commercial juke box.

So Much Craziness

It's been a while since I've posted anything new. Not that I've lacked the material (the boys are always saying crazy things) but sometimes life just gets in the way. So now that my house is relatively clean and laundry and dishes are all caught up, here's what you missed in the last few weeks...

1. The boys took a shower with Jon and when everyone was clean I squeezed into our tiny bathroom to dry off and dress the kids. I had to reach past my naked husband and Ben (also naked) to get Ryan out of the shower. As I reached between them Ben said....

"Hey Mommy, you're going through a penis tunnel! And they just keep getting smaller as you go."

2. For this one you need a little background... Next to Ben's pre-school there is an ambulance company so there are always paramedics outside in the nice weather playing basketball or just killing time while waiting for calls. When the kids are out in the yard, the paramedics are always great about retrieving any balls that go over the fence. So this is Ben's opinion of paramedics...

Ben: "Mom, paramedics are good guys. You know why?"
Me: "Why Ben?"
Ben: "Because they always help when little kids lose their balls."

3. Ben: "Man, my pants are all wet now from my pee. Thanks a lot penis! You suck."

Ahoy There!

The boys and I were playing around pretending to be treasure-hunting pirates this morning. Ryan was dressed in a t-shirt, diaper and bandana on his head. When he took off his diaper Ben yelled...

"Hey Mom! Ryan's a naked butt pirate!"

Mac and Cheese Please

The boys and I had Toy Story macaroni and cheese for dinner the other night and this is what Ben had to say about it...

Ben: "Mom, I love this mac and cheese. You know why?"
Me: "Why Ben?"
Ben: "Because it has lots of Woodys in it. They're the best part."
Me: "What about the Buzz Lightyears?"
Ben: "They're OK. But Woodys are delicious!"

Trouble Ahead

Ben: "Mom, you know what my favorite letters are?"
Me: "No Ben. What?"
Ben: "T and A."

Ryan: "Shud up Ben. I can't hear me talkin to mesewf."

When You Gotta Go, You Gotta Go

A few minutes after tucking Ben into bed, I heard the following:

Ben: "Pshhhhh... This is Captain Ben speaking. We need to land for an emergency."
pause
"Yeah, I need to land the plane."
pause
"Yup, gotta take a poop."
pause
"OK, coming in for a landing, over."

You're Gonna Poke Your Eye Out

This is what Ben had to say about Ryan running around without a diaper on:
Ben: "Ryan, you need to put that thing away before you poke someone's eye out!"

Handle With Care

Ryan: "Mommy... go potty!"
Me: "OK, let's go."
I get Ryan situated on the potty and he sits there for a minute. Nothing happens.
Ryan: "Oh no! Broken!"
Me: "What's broken?"
Ryan: "Penis! Penis broken!"
Me: "Ryan, it's not broken. Why, does it hurt? Do you have a booboo?"
Ryan: "No Mommy. Pee no coming out. It broken!"
Me: "It's OK Ryan. If you don't have to pee it's not a big deal."
Ryan makes an angry sigh and starts hitting and shaking his penis.
Me: "Ryan, don't do that. You're going to hurt yourself."
Ryan: "So? Penis stupid, broken! Hate mine penis!"
Ryan gets off the potty and storms out of the bathroom mumbling
"Stupid penis. No unnerwear, wear baby diaper. Stupid penis."

Stick It

Ben: "Mom, sometimes I have naked dreams."
Me: "What do you mean, naked dreams?"
Ben: "You know, where everyone is naked and playing."
Me: "OK... what do people do in those dreams?"
Ben: "They just play and share their bodies."
Me: "They share their bodies? What do you mean?"
Ben: "Oh, you know. It's called sticking."

Sleep Is Good

Ben: "Mom, you know how when you pick your nose a lot you run out of boogers?"
Me: "You shouldn't pick your nose at all."
Ben: "Well, all you have to do is go to sleep and your nose makes more. That's the most best part about sleeping. You get all new boogers when you wake up."

Rude Couch

Ben: "Mom, can I make a pillow fort on the couch?"
Me: "Sure Ben. Go ahead."
Ryan: "Mommy, pillow fart on couch? Ewww! It say excuse me."

Mom's Night Out

Ben: "Mom, maybe you should go out tonight. I think you need a break."
Me: "What makes you say that?"
Ben: "Because you are sooo cranky. Duh! Don't worry, I'll take care of Daddy and Ryan. You go have fun."

Crafty Kids

Ben: "Mom, can I paint?"
Me: "Sure. You like arts and crafts don't you?"
Ben: "Yeah, they're my favorite!"
Ryan: "Yay! Arse and craps!!!"

Boomerang Juice

Me: "Benjamin, stop lying. Your brother did not spit juice at the back of his own head. That's impossible."
Ben: "No it not. It was boomerang juice. He spit and it go all the way around to his hair and back to his face."

My Son The Hooker

Ben was trying to pick things up with a plastic hook and was struggling to lift a toy. This is the conversation that followed:

Me: "Ben, I'm not sure you are going to be able to pick that up."
Ben: "Mom, I'm a hooker. I can pick up anything."

Ben on What Money CAN Buy

Ben: "Mom our new neighbor is pretty."
Me: "Yes, she is."
Ben: "Why don't you have boobs like her?"
Me: "Because we can't afford them."
Ben: "You can buy boobs?! I love boobs! Can we get some?"

Rut Roh

Ben: "Mom, when I grow up, can I be a scooby doo diver?"

Ben's Request

Ben: "Mom, when can I have a sister?"
Me: "When you start being nice to the brother you already have and the two of you clean up your toys when you're done with them."
Ben: "Oh man! But that's never gonna happen!"

Ben's Oldies But Goodies

On the death of our hamster...
"Mommy, Bolt was my best friend in the whole world and I will stop loving him only when all the days are done."

Grammy: "Well, Bolt is up in heaven now with all the other hamsters."
Ben: "No he isn't. He's in the freezer."

On the Twilight series...
"Mom, I don't like Edward. He drives a girly car. Jacob's motorcycle is awesome 'cause Jacob is cooler than Edward."

"Why is she [Bella] afraid of James? He has a ponytail like a girl."

"Mom, why doesn't Jacob wear a shirt? Don't his boobs get cold?"

On vegetables...
Ben: "Mom, did you eat all your veggies when you were a kid?"
Me: "Yes Ben, I did."
Ben: "Then I'm not eating them ever again!"
Me: "Why not?"
Ben: "Because you said eating veggies makes you big and strong and you're not big or strong! They don't work and they taste disgusting! I am so done with veggies!"

Ben: *flexes muscles* "Hey Mom, check out my muscles."
*takes a bite of green beans* "Now check out these guns! Enormous, huh?"

On how babies are born...
Ben: "How do mommies get the babies out of their bellies?"
Me: "Sometimes a doctor takes them out."
Ben: "What other way do they come out?"
Me: "The babies come out the mommy's vagina."
Ben: *silent for a minute* "Is your vagina magic? I want one!"

On the origin of cow's milk...
Ben: "Do they have to kill the cow to get the milk?"
Me: "No Ben. They just milk the cow."
Ben: "I know how they do it! They put the machine on the penis and it pulls the milk out."
Me: "That's not a penis. That's a nipple."
Ben: *pointing to the udder* "So that's a boob?! That thing is huge! Mom, why don't you have boobs like that?"

On the female form...
Ben: "Mom, I see you underwear!"
Me: "Yeah, so why don't you go wait in the living room and I'll be right out?"
Ben: "It's ok Mom. I like girls' underwear... You know what else?"
Me: "What Ben?"
Ben: "I LOVE vaginas!"

On the male form...
"Boys have a penis and sextickles."

On little girls...
Ben: "Mom, why do girls talk so much?"
Me: "Which girls talk a lot?"
Ben: "All of them! Oh my goodness. They never shut up. Girls give me a headache."

Me: "Did you do anything fun in school today?"
Ben: "Mariah and the other Mariah showed me they boobs."
Me: "Why would they do that? You know that's inappropriate."
Ben: "Because I ask them nicely."
Me: "You don't ask people to show you their bodies. That's private."
Ben: "They didn't have to do it. They just lift they shirts. But Mommy, they no have big boobs like you."

On gargabe trucks...
Ben: "Do you know why garbage trucks smell?"
Me: "Why?"
Ben: "Because they don't use the gas you do, from the gas station. They use fart gas instead. That's why they smell like crap."

On hygeine...
"Mommy, I have to take a bath before I go to school so I don't stink. If I don't, little kids will say 'There goes Ben, the smelly loser!' And I am not a loser!"

On not sweating the small stuff...
Me: "Ben, how the heck did you get food on your butt?"
Ben: "Who cares? It's coming out that way anyway you know."

On cars...
Ben: "Mommy, do you know what to call this kind of car?"
Me: "No Ben, what?"
Ben: "It's called a HPV."
Me: "It's called what?!"
Ben: "A HPV. You know, a all terrain vehicle."
Me: "You mean an ATV?"
Ben: "Yeah Mom, a APV."

On the bare necessities...
"Daddy, I know why you go to work. So I can have clothes. Otherwise I run around naked."

On open sewer covers...
"Utoh Mommy. The ninja turtles left they door open again! Silly turtles."

On belly buttons...
Me: "Ben, do you know why people have belly buttons?"
Ben: "Yeah. It a penis hiding place!"

On denial...
"I didn't yawn. I just breathe really big because I not tired."

"Mommy, I didn't throw it. I made it be an airplane."

Quote of the Day

Ben: "Mom, wanna feel how long my nap was?"
Me: "How can I feel how long your nap was?"
Ben: "Feel how sweaty I am. That's at least an hour of sweat!"