Boomerang Juice

Me: "Benjamin, stop lying. Your brother did not spit juice at the back of his own head. That's impossible."
Ben: "No it not. It was boomerang juice. He spit and it go all the way around to his hair and back to his face."

My Son The Hooker

Ben was trying to pick things up with a plastic hook and was struggling to lift a toy. This is the conversation that followed:

Me: "Ben, I'm not sure you are going to be able to pick that up."
Ben: "Mom, I'm a hooker. I can pick up anything."

Ben on What Money CAN Buy

Ben: "Mom our new neighbor is pretty."
Me: "Yes, she is."
Ben: "Why don't you have boobs like her?"
Me: "Because we can't afford them."
Ben: "You can buy boobs?! I love boobs! Can we get some?"

Rut Roh

Ben: "Mom, when I grow up, can I be a scooby doo diver?"

Ben's Request

Ben: "Mom, when can I have a sister?"
Me: "When you start being nice to the brother you already have and the two of you clean up your toys when you're done with them."
Ben: "Oh man! But that's never gonna happen!"

Ben's Oldies But Goodies

On the death of our hamster...
"Mommy, Bolt was my best friend in the whole world and I will stop loving him only when all the days are done."

Grammy: "Well, Bolt is up in heaven now with all the other hamsters."
Ben: "No he isn't. He's in the freezer."

On the Twilight series...
"Mom, I don't like Edward. He drives a girly car. Jacob's motorcycle is awesome 'cause Jacob is cooler than Edward."

"Why is she [Bella] afraid of James? He has a ponytail like a girl."

"Mom, why doesn't Jacob wear a shirt? Don't his boobs get cold?"

On vegetables...
Ben: "Mom, did you eat all your veggies when you were a kid?"
Me: "Yes Ben, I did."
Ben: "Then I'm not eating them ever again!"
Me: "Why not?"
Ben: "Because you said eating veggies makes you big and strong and you're not big or strong! They don't work and they taste disgusting! I am so done with veggies!"

Ben: *flexes muscles* "Hey Mom, check out my muscles."
*takes a bite of green beans* "Now check out these guns! Enormous, huh?"

On how babies are born...
Ben: "How do mommies get the babies out of their bellies?"
Me: "Sometimes a doctor takes them out."
Ben: "What other way do they come out?"
Me: "The babies come out the mommy's vagina."
Ben: *silent for a minute* "Is your vagina magic? I want one!"

On the origin of cow's milk...
Ben: "Do they have to kill the cow to get the milk?"
Me: "No Ben. They just milk the cow."
Ben: "I know how they do it! They put the machine on the penis and it pulls the milk out."
Me: "That's not a penis. That's a nipple."
Ben: *pointing to the udder* "So that's a boob?! That thing is huge! Mom, why don't you have boobs like that?"

On the female form...
Ben: "Mom, I see you underwear!"
Me: "Yeah, so why don't you go wait in the living room and I'll be right out?"
Ben: "It's ok Mom. I like girls' underwear... You know what else?"
Me: "What Ben?"
Ben: "I LOVE vaginas!"

On the male form...
"Boys have a penis and sextickles."

On little girls...
Ben: "Mom, why do girls talk so much?"
Me: "Which girls talk a lot?"
Ben: "All of them! Oh my goodness. They never shut up. Girls give me a headache."

Me: "Did you do anything fun in school today?"
Ben: "Mariah and the other Mariah showed me they boobs."
Me: "Why would they do that? You know that's inappropriate."
Ben: "Because I ask them nicely."
Me: "You don't ask people to show you their bodies. That's private."
Ben: "They didn't have to do it. They just lift they shirts. But Mommy, they no have big boobs like you."

On gargabe trucks...
Ben: "Do you know why garbage trucks smell?"
Me: "Why?"
Ben: "Because they don't use the gas you do, from the gas station. They use fart gas instead. That's why they smell like crap."

On hygeine...
"Mommy, I have to take a bath before I go to school so I don't stink. If I don't, little kids will say 'There goes Ben, the smelly loser!' And I am not a loser!"

On not sweating the small stuff...
Me: "Ben, how the heck did you get food on your butt?"
Ben: "Who cares? It's coming out that way anyway you know."

On cars...
Ben: "Mommy, do you know what to call this kind of car?"
Me: "No Ben, what?"
Ben: "It's called a HPV."
Me: "It's called what?!"
Ben: "A HPV. You know, a all terrain vehicle."
Me: "You mean an ATV?"
Ben: "Yeah Mom, a APV."

On the bare necessities...
"Daddy, I know why you go to work. So I can have clothes. Otherwise I run around naked."

On open sewer covers...
"Utoh Mommy. The ninja turtles left they door open again! Silly turtles."

On belly buttons...
Me: "Ben, do you know why people have belly buttons?"
Ben: "Yeah. It a penis hiding place!"

On denial...
"I didn't yawn. I just breathe really big because I not tired."

"Mommy, I didn't throw it. I made it be an airplane."

Quote of the Day

Ben: "Mom, wanna feel how long my nap was?"
Me: "How can I feel how long your nap was?"
Ben: "Feel how sweaty I am. That's at least an hour of sweat!"